Giant Panties, Giant Emotions

Since I was a little girl, I have always liked my alone time.  Before there were jobs and kids and errands and any real obligations, I would come home from school, head for the solitude of my room and just be quiet for a while.  (Props to my mom for respecting my space).  As a teenager I had great friends but I didn't always feel the need to travel in a pack of my peers to the restroom or the snack bar.  Even in college I had my own dorm room and then my own apartment, right up until I got married.  My then-husband traveled frequently for work, sometimes four days a week meaning I was solo a lot of the time.  Eventually he worked in town and the schedule became more normal.  Then the babies arrived...and I was never alone!  Moms joke about not even being able to go to the bathroom without their kids barging in to ask something.  It's completely true; I am always in demand and for my girls, that includes when I am in the ladies room.  (Although now they sometimes knock).

So two summers ago when my girls were set to go out of town to stay with my parents for a couple of weeks after school let out, I looked forward to the time by myself.  That spring was when I found myself truly on my own as a single mom and as any parent--especially a single parent--can tell you, it's exhausting keeping all the balls in the air.  I was thankful the girls would get a change of scenery with their grandparents which would also make my "break" peaceful and anxiety free knowing they were in the best of hands.  We wrapped up the insane chaos that comes with the last weeks of school.  (Programs, breakfasts, track and field day, end of the year parties, teacher gifts and on and on).  Finally it was the last day of school and we were on summer vacation!  The very next morning my aunt was headed to Dallas to visit her own granddaughter so she picked the girls up to ride to my parents' with her.  I loaded them up, hugged their necks and kissed them goodbye.  They were excited and smiling; that's always good for a mom to see whether it's sending them off to stay with the grandparents or leaving them home for a few hours with a sitter.  They pulled out of the driveway and I waved, went back inside the house, locked the door and COMPLETELY BROKE DOWN.

The anxiety of tap dancing through those last few weeks of school with their dad gone was massive.  This was a huge change for all of us so I tried like hell to make everything feel not only "normal," but fun and happy and more than fine.  I was on a mission.  I kept everything rolling at work, at home and at school amidst the curious eyes looking at me suddenly on my own and trying to figure out "where the dad was."  I had been holding my breath through a constant, plastered-on smile and the tension completely released the minute the lock on the front door snapped into place.  I was alone.  No one could see.  Time to put the big girl panties on and deal.  (Incidentally I remember I did have very large panties on that day.  I have a super weird memory-clothing connection you will learn about me as time goes on).

It's not that I necessarily wanted to face all the feelings head on, but at that point I was so tired, worn down and spent from the personal things I had been through, topped with the day to day of work and kids, I physically and emotionally just buckled and surrendered to it.  I did not have the energy to fight it anymore, so even though I was terrified to really "feel" all of the pain I had been pretending my way through, when the emotion of everything came over me that day like a giant wave, I went under and let it win.  I had been avoiding these feelings for years, beginning with the realization that my marriage was not what I thought it was right up to this moment standing in my purple robe, leaning on my front door and sobbing as my dog wagged her tail and stared up at me, letting me know with her eyes that she had my back and not only was today the day to "go there," she would love me through it.  Sweet Pippa.  It was time to quit avoiding sad movies because I didn't want to cry.  It was time to quit distracting myself with projects or cleaning or organizing because I couldn't (or was afraid to) let my mind be still.  It was time to begin grieving what "was" so that I could move forward into what might be. (#scary).

So I invited the tears and the angst and the regret and the sadness and told them "Come as you are and don't hold back."  I planned activities like staying in my dark bedroom with the curtains drawn and not picking up one stray crayon or piece of clothing.  I kicked things off by watching the Nicholas Sparks tear-jerker "The Choice."  Lawdy, did I cry.  The noises I made were primal, hideous and draining.  I wallowed and I moped.  My body told me I needed it and I RELEASED THE BEAST.  Kleenex were no match; the minute they touched my face they were saturated in tears.  I moved on to blotting and wiping with the sheets and my pillow case.  I had never known this feeling before; my heart truly and literally HURT.  It was broken.  And out of it spilled all the memories, wishes, dreams and hopes for a life that was not to be.  It hurt so badly to let all of it go, but walking around holding onto it had been even more painful than that.  I had been brave for the girls and I think it was right to let them see me with my head up and walking tall, navigating us toward a new life.  They needed to feel safe and reassured.  But right now they were far away and I needed to do this part for me.

The first 2.5 hours were super hideous but I guess releasing a ton of pent up emotion isn't something that can be done neatly, Container Store-style.  This was more like a junk yard rummage sale during a thunderstorm on an eroding hillside.  I moved on to the movie "Joy," which contained a message of hope, possibility and achievement, but there was still plenty of crying going on.  Would I create my own Miracle Mop (so to speak) someday?  Was there time?  Were all my best years gone?  Sob, sob sob.  I laid on my back, stared at the ceiling and let out a million huge sighs.  Pippa, who hadn't left my side, helped me with that part, although sigh for sigh I was kicking her tail.  We rolled around, occasionally locked eyes and sighed some more.

Eight hours later I was done.  I was all cried out and boy, did it feel good.  My giant, red Garfield eyes, my shedding eyelashes, my soaked pillow case.  I felt like an elephant had been lifted off my chest.  I crawled out of the hole by binge-watching The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt.  Then I decided this was an event that needed to be catered by Taco Bell.  I loaded up with Pippa, purple robe and all, grabbed a $20 bill and we hit the drive-thru.  I can only imagine what the teenage boy at the window saw when he looked at me as I rolled up on him at 6:00pm that Saturday evening.  Surely a red, puffy, swollen mess of a woman with a rat's nest of hair, teeth that hadn't been brushed and unstoppable sniffles.  He visibly recoiled as I handed him the money and asked for extra mild sauce.  (Be sure to watch my show weekdays at 11:00, buddy!)  I grabbed my double decker tacos and headed home.

This is Pippa in bed next to me on the exact day of my crying extravaganza.  She never left my side.  She was later rewarded handsomely with some bites of my Taco Bell.

After I crunched away, shoved the wrappers into the trash and toddled off to my room in an extra-sour-cream-induced-stupor, I climbed into bed and slept like a bear in hibernation.  Like I had not slept in years.  Like I have not slept since.  I woke the next morning washed semi-clean and semi-anew.  And not tired.  And glad I did it.  And remembering why crying it out feels so good. The flood gates had been opened literally and figuratively; I had officially given myself permission to have big feelings again and not just push them aside or store them away.  When there is no over, around, or under...there is just "through,"...also remember there is an "other side," and your tears will carry you there.  The puffy eyes will go away.  You can get your lashes refilled.  You can jog off the Taco Bell.  And even though it's not all completely "gone," you faced it like a woman, you let it have it's say and you had yours back.  You felt the pain, you were sad for the "done," and now you can be brave for the ones who need you.  Nothing feels so scary as being the "one" who has to deal with those locked up feelings of yours--alone--but nothing feels so amazing as being the "one" who does deal with them--alone--either.  Congratulations!  You are human!  Welcome to the rest of your life.  It starts today.

(Since the content in this post took place, I have started therapy with a professional counselor, something I have done several times over the years during various stages of my life.  Damn straight I'm doing it with this latest turn of events.  It has helped me immensely.  Please know there is NO shame in talking to someone who is unbiased and qualified in helping you sort out your feelings.  It is freeing and it is healing.  My counselor tells me, "You bring it here, you talk about it here, you leave it here."  That is so helpful in not carrying all the crap around with me day to day.  I also supplement said therapy with weekly cry sessions watching This Is Us on NBC.  My girls watch it with me and we cry together.  And sometimes we have Taco Bell).

Pretty Cheese, Frozen Fat and A Couple of Other Really Good Things

Sometimes in life you need something extra. Not diamonds-and-a-hundred-foot-yacht-extra; just some good stuff that makes an ordinary day a little better. Or that makes many days a little better.  Here in no particular order are a few cool things I enjoy or have enjoyed recently.  I think you need to know about them too.  You’re welcome.

SPREAD & CO.

Our first gorgeous cheese board from Spread & Co.  We ordered our second one a week later.  OMG.

If you can stop staring at Rosemary Nolan’s cheese boards long enough to take a bite, you’ll find that everything on them is as delightful and delicious as it looks.  Salty Prosciutto shaped into tiny rosettes.  Artfully sliced fruit.  Pink pickled cauliflower.  (Yes it’s pink!)  And of course cheese glorious cheese.  These boards are absolute works of art.  My girls and I ordered one the Friday before Thanksgiving vacation last year.  Then we ordered another one the Friday AFTER Thanksgiving, you know...just to make sure it was as good as we thought the first time.  (Two thumbs up.)  My 9-year-old wants to serve one at her birthday party at Jump Street.  I think it’s safe to say a board from Spread & Co. will be a multi-annual tradition at our house!  They come in different sizes, they can be delivered and they will make any coffee table, buffet or picnic look top notch.  Rosemary also does made-from-scratch jams, pickles, mustard and crackers as well as gift boxes, brie and custom installations for parties and events.  Not only does she make your cheese board look like it should be framed and hanging over the mantle, she is as sweet as can be.  You should definitely get on board. (Spread & Co., Austin, Texas)

BRAGG ORGANIC APPLE CIDER VINEGAR ALL NATURAL DRINKS

Often found on my nightstand: my favorite Limeade BRAGG Apple Cider Vinegar Drink. 

The benefits of apple cider vinegar are many: it’s said to regulate blood sugar levels, improve your skin, reduce blood pressure, boost gut health and enhance weight loss, just to name a few. But I liken drinking it to swallowing liquid fire with some bleach and a mini pocket knife, all at once.  It BURNS and it HURTS.  (Opinions expressed in this blog are mine and solely mine but I'm right about this because ask anyone and they will say the same thing.  No offense to the makers of ACV.  We know you're doing a good thing).  So when I was grocery shopping and happened upon these drinks by BRAGG, aka the gods of apple cider vinegar, I was curious.  Could they take the sting out of drinking ACV?  I got the limeade and loved it!  Then my mom tried it and she loved it.  Then I started telling people on social media and they told me they tried it and loved it.  My friend Katie doesn't love it but I just tell her that leaves more for me to enjoy.  (I'm drinking one as I write this post, in fact.  Can't stop, won't stop).  I have also tried other flavors including apple cinnamon, grape and pomegranate.  They are all good but the limeade is hands down my favorite.  It’s delicious and refreshing every time, plus it has zero everything: calories, fat, sodium, carbs and sugar.  Zilch.  Nada.  Also it's gluten-free.  If you’re like me and you’re looking to get on the ACV bandwagon but you just can’t get it down the hatch, you should definitely give these a try.  And bonus:  I swear it’s helping to flatten my tummy!  Bragg Organic Apple Cider Vinegar All Natural Drinks are available at H-E-B, Whole Foods, Sprouts and I'm sure at other stores too, those are just the places where I get mine.

COOLSCULPTING

On the table during my second CoolSculpting session; before and after.

Speaking of a flatter tummy, you’ve probably heard about CoolSculpting on tv or the radio. I tried it last spring/summer and I’m here to tell you it’s kind of like magic.  (Better yet, it's FDA-cleared magic that doesn't involve any cutting, anesthesia or time off from work).  Life events, comfort food and some lazy behavior took a toll on my mid-section.  I eventually started working out again but certain pesky spots were not budging.  I had my CoolSculpting treatments done by licensed Medical Aesthetician and Master Skin Care Specialist Laurel Corrinne at her immaculately clean, up-to-date, darling studio. (The interior is all white; so pristine and crisp. And she plays French music. I like to pretend I live there).  The device has attachments of different sizes so pretty much any area can be treated: inner thighs, arms, the back, under the chin.  Laurel suggested we focus on my abdomen (I call it Tammy the Tummy) and flanks (named Hank & Frank), those stubborn spots that kept hanging on no matter what changes I made to my diet and exercise routine.  Laurel is a perfectionist with sharp pointy little fingers. (I say that in the most loving of ways, and it will make sense in a minute).  Once the area of treatment has been determined and marked, you lay down on the table and she carefully places the CoolSculpting machine on the designated Tammy, Hank or Frank before covering you up with a big fluffy blanket.  CoolSculpting freezes and loosens the fat through numbing and suction for 30-45 minutes per area.  I have a high pain tolerance so I felt fine with very minimal discomfort.  In fact I would often fall asleep during my sessions.  When time is up, Laurel removes the device and massages the area for two minutes.  I use the term massage loosely; this is where those sharp pointy fingers come in.  Laurel poked and prodded and jabbed until I thought I would die from a tickle attack!  I was LOL-ing like crazy!  But she has to move that frozen fat around (especially the stubborn cells that are hanging on for dear life) so it will let go and eventually move on out.  After two treatments a few months apart, Tammy, Hank and Frank were much smaller, flatter and slimmer. (The body photos above show me on the left before my first treatment in May and on the right in October when all was said and done.) You don’t really lose weight, but you do lose the pesky areas that don’t seem to respond to anything else. At least I did.  There's no down time, clothes fit better and I feel better.  That’s why I have forgiven Laurel for the poking, prodding and jabbing.  And I think she has forgiven me for nearly kicking her in the face because I’m so ticklish.  CoolSculpting is available at Laurel Corrinne Studio, 1107 S 8th St., Austin, Texas 78704 or call (512) 799-1729 for an appointment. 

HYDROPEPTIDE COLLAGEL+ LINE LIFTING HYDROGEL EYE MASKS

My best Tim Tebow impersonation.  Seriously though, these eye masks are a game changer.

Tired eyes, puffy eyes, fine lines.  How do you deal with them? (Asking for a friend.)  I’ll tell you how: Polypeptide Collagel Masks by HydroPeptide.  These slick little pads are placed under the eyes on clean, dry skin for 15-20 minutes. (I left them on for 30. More is more, right?)  They hydrate, boost collagen and pump skin renewing antioxidants straight into one of the most delicate areas on your face.  I think it’s important to take good care of your skin and I have used numerous skin products from drug-store brands to expensive department store stuff.  But I have to say I have never seen a product do so much good for my skin—especially around the eyes!!—after just one use!  When I took them off, my skin was visibly smoother and it felt amazing.  They are game changers and quite magical and they will be a staple in my beauty regime forevermore.  HydroPeptide Polypeptide Collagel+ Line Lifting HydroGel Mask for Eye available at Hiatus Spa + Retreat, 1611 W 5th St. #155, Austin, Texas 78703.  Call (512) 362-5777 for an appointment. 

boutique-ness, Imodium, faith & friends

The 20’s were about being a young career girl, getting married and sharing life with another person.  The 30’s were about sharing life with a lot of people.  I had my oldest daughter at 31, my middle at 34 and my youngest at 36.  I was a stay-at-home mom to three little bitty girls.  I spent lots of time volunteering and going to playdates.  Those years were chaotic and sweet. (And lots of little people means lots of diapers. I changed diapers continuously on one child or another from 2005 to 2013. Dang.)  My 30’s came to an end with earth shattering news, a move to a new city, putting the kids in different schools and trying to find a new normal.  Two and half months after we moved to Austin (and serendipitously on my 40th birthday) I was hired to host a new lifestyle show at the station where I had applied to be a reporter when I was 23.  They didn’t hire me back then but they hired me 17 years later.  All in good time, right? (I tell my boss all the time no one else will ever top that birthday present!)

The 40’s have had their WTH moments for sure, but overall they have been liberating, enlightening, and they have allowed the discovery of a new me while reviving the best parts of the old me.  I am still in the thick of the first half of this decade of life, but I can tell you there are some things I have already learned in the 40’s that are not going away. There is a sweet freedom in thinking, deciding, choosing, navigating and "mistaking" for myself.  And I’m definitely not mad about it.

I AM A RELEVANT BAD ASS

Not only did I get hired at 40, the duties of my job have included stepping waaaaay out of my comfort zone. And because I wanted to show my bosses they hadn’t made a mistake in choosing me, I made myself do it.  No dignity was sacrificed and I didn’t compromise my core values, but I had to be a good sport in areas where I wasn’t used to being a good sport: adventure, embarrassment and vanity.  I rappelled 38 stories down the side of Austin’s W Hotel. (Praying the whole time).  I went on a trapeze. (Praying and some cussing).  I shot a flame thrower. (Praying with a lot of nervous laughter).  I screwed up on camera (actually I do that daily) and said words that don’t exist (“boutique-ness”....what??) but I learned that laughing it off instead of going home and obsessing about it felt good. (I rarely get embarrassed anymore and that is the BOMB). I wore a shell bra and a mermaid tail for a photo shoot.  At 40.  And I didn't freak out about what my body looked like.  Sweet freedom!  (And it’s still one of my favorite pictures.)

I CAN...

Bring home the non-GMO sugar-free bacon and fry it up in a pan.  I got this.  I have single handedly gotten two ferocious lizards out of my house, changed my air filters, taken the trash out in high heels, negotiated with the yard man, set up and put away the Christmas tree, and kept up with the maintenance on my car.  I know how to do the things.  Sweet freedom!   More importantly I have shown my daughters that a woman can do anything at any point in her life; it’s never too late. 

MY B.S. RADAR IS ON POINT

Funny how age and time give you not only wisdom, but a built in detector for the folks you just ain’t gonna jive with. Better yet you finally know you don’t need to waste your time TRYING to jive with them. Sweet freedom! The snooty mom who name drops and talks about all her money?  Nope. The musclebound meathead who needs to be reminded “Hey buddy, my eyes are up HERE.” Nope.  The know-it-all one upper who can’t even let someone else finish a sentence without interrupting to tell how he/she did it/knew it/earned it/got it first, faster, better and blah blah blah.  Nope, nope, nope.  Happiness to all of you, but if I see you coming—and I do, from a mile away—I’m turning tail in the other direction.

NO MORE FOMO

I have given up the Fear Of Missing Out.  I can pick and choose based on my gut feeling. It has never steered me wrong. I am not driven by the need to say I was there. I am driven by...will I enjoy this? Is this time well spent? Will I keep good company while I’m there? No more going just for the sake of going.  Sweet freedom!  (Plus babysitters are expensive!)

I DON’T CARE IF YOU SEE WHAT’S IN MY SHOPPING CART

I need toilet paper. I need tampons. I need Imodium. I do all the things that make those products necessary. I need People magazine. I like the pictures and the words. On occasion I need Lunchables. Yes they’re hideous but when it’s Thursday night and we’ve got one school day to go, it saves my tired bones from making a lunch plus my kid will eat it.  Sweet freedom!   She eats broccoli and salmon too. Balance. 

YOU GOTTA HAVE FAITH

Non-negotiable. I need to praise God as much in the good times as I ask Him for help in the bad times. I didn’t REALLY know that until my 40’s. I carried God in my back pocket. If everything was good I didn’t question it and I didn’t thank Him as I should have. If things were bad I felt like I had no right to ask for help because I am just this mom with everyday problems and God has more important things to do, right?  Now I know He is “all in” on my life. He is with me and for me and I can talk to Him about anything from the fears and doubts to the triumphs and joys. He wants that from me and the more I run after Him, the better life is. Doors have opened, doors have shut. It’s all part of the plan. I know that and knowing that is everything. Sweet freedom!

NOTHING BEATS GOOD GIRLFRIENDS

I have reconnected with friends from as far back as first grade. I have maintained friendships from college, my early working days and my stay-at-home mommy days. And I have made friends in recent years who have shown the love and loyalty of a decades-long bond. These women are the sisters I never had, all perfectly placed in my life. In my 40’s I have discovered who my tribe is.  For real.  Sweet freedom!  And they are single and married and moms and not moms and karaoke stars and advocates and horseback riders and democrats and republicans and gay and straight and smart and beautiful and they SHOW UP.

So if all of the above is what I know in my 40’s, I can't wait to find out what happens next and after that and after that.  Life is good.  I am blessed.  And tomorrow is another chance to live and learn.  Sweet freedom! 

What are some "sweet freedoms" you have realized in your life?  I would love to know! Comment below.

Plans, Patience and Pile Gardens: I'm Really Good at (One of) Them

Hi, I’m Amanda, or Mandy, or Mom, depending on how you know me...recent addict of iced chai lattes, long time addict of shoes and giant costume jewelry and faithful wearer of my two retainers every night. I am learning how to be divorced and I chaotically, lovingly and gratefully get to raise the three most amazing girls on the planet.  Professionally I host a television lifestyle show which is a dream job and pretty much a total blast.  Unprofessionally--or not professionally, whichever sounds least..."worse"-- I have discovered writing is a form of therapy and through my posts on social media, I’ve learned sharing my feelings helps others to share theirs.  The circumstances of this crazy, lovely and sometimes heartbreaking life may be different for each of us, but feelings connect us and often times seeing someone find their own resilience helps us to unlock our own.  Patience is my biggest struggle although I have been shown time and time again that good things come to those who wait.  However, these days it’s all flying by so fast, I don’t have to exercise patience that much.  Life is moving at warp speed! (My oldest daughter is in middle school and had her first boyfriend. Can someone kindly explain how in the world we got here because I was just--unsuccessfully--breastfeeding her about 10 minutes ago??!?)  I dream big and I want to make it all happen, but sometimes the red wine, popcorn and loaded DVR are just too good and I can’t leave my couch.  The struggle is real!  Most recently I have learned a lot about faith (you gotta have it), tending to it (it grows!) and relying on it (it will get you through EVERYTHING and then some).  I love Jesus and I know He loves me.  I am a hardworking work-in- progress and a native of the Lone Star state living in the magical land of Austin, Texas, where the dreams, mysteries and miracles of life are as plentiful as the tacos, and I prefer all of the above with sour cream, please.  I named the blog Adlibbing Life because that's pretty much what I do all day every day, whether it's momming or interviewing or whatever, even though sometimes I fool myself into thinking I've planned things perfectly. (Insert hysterically laughing emoji with tear filed eyes HERE).

Do you like to make lists? I LOVE to make lists because I love to cross things off of those lists.

I even love re-making a list in nicer, neater handwriting when I make a mistake on the first list.  It's fine, you can call me OCD; there might be some truth to that. But as far as I'm concerned OCD stands for One Copy is Dumb because you can never have too many lists.  Alas, those lists usually end up in one of the many "piles" in my life; on the kitchen counter or on my desk at work or in the back of my car. I am a master “pile gardener.”

Do you love to plan your outfits?  I LOVE to plan an outfit; for work or for a party or for the plane ride to a vacation where I will then need more planned outfits.  I often dream of an uber-organized wardrobe with a closet merchandised like a fine store.  In this ongoing dream I effortlessly pull everything together with ease from the matching bra and panties to the crisp starched shirt to the perfectly worn in jeans to the most amazing shoes (I die for shoes!) and of course, a fantastic handbag.  Alas, in reality I am usually scrambling for an outfit in between making frozen waffles and yelling at the kids to hurry. I have said many, many times that God chooses my outfits.  Believe me I know God has FAR more important things to do.  But on the days I am so frazzled, exhausted and running on empty—when it’s not even 8:00am—and I catch a glimpse of the perfect skirt to go with the top I’m clutching in my hands as I spin aimlessly around in the closet, I swear to...God...that God showed it to me in that moment.  In my mind’s eye, my daily dressing routine looks like a movie montage of one amazing outfit after another. Realistically it’s like WAY different.  And in related news my favorite pajamas came from the gift shop in an Oklahoma casino.  God had nothing to do with that.

Do you love to stay on task in the afternoon, feeding the kids a healthy snack before a bit of backyard frolicking, then helping them with homework, and preparing a healthy dinner with all the components coming together at exactly the same time?  I LOVE thinking about this.  It is a more beautiful fantasy than the guy who plays Kevin on “This Is Us” appearing shirtless to mow my yard and sip (spiked) lemonade with me afterwards.

Alas, this is what really happens: the girls eat chips or Nutella sandwiches before whining over who will get to jump on the trampoline first and for the longest. We then realize someone left their homework folder at school and panic ensues about how we can get the assignment, accompanied by me going into a scary speech about how they CANNOT continue to live their lives this way as they stare at me with a look that can best be described as “WTH?”

This heartwarming scene wraps up with me making something like overcooked steak, Brussels sprouts and macaroni and cheese, in no particular order and NEVER ready at once, but more often than not I throw my hands in the air and we hit the Chick Fil A drive thru. Again.

Whether it’s a list that never gets fully crossed off, an outfit that came together spur of the moment as I’m late running out the door, or the daily snack/homework/dinner routine gone (way) awry, it is easy to feel down in the times when the “plan” takes a different direction.  And I’m not talking just the list making-outfit picking-routine following plans I’ve mentioned here.  I’m talking about the change in plans that brings life to a screeching halt and throws you into a different orbit.  The ones that lead you to move to a new city, begin a second act in your career and start over as a single mom.  The change in plans that leaves you only enough energy to get the kids packed and off to school with your best “have a great day” smile before you come back home, crawl under the covers and cry yourself back to sleep.  I’ve been there and here’s what I’ve learned: I am a great survivor when the plan crumbles.  In fact it’s where I shine.  But I didn’t know that until much later on. (We’ll get to that in future posts).

So through experiences that could only have been brought to me by God himself (getting hired back in the tv business on my 40th birthday—are you kidding me??!?) to finding ways to keep my girls not just surviving but thriving (the pre-made Boar’s Head sandwiches at HEB pack great in school lunches—heck yeah!) to maybe, possibly, perhaps slightly imagining what it might be like to find love again, I am navigating life anew with the experience and wisdom of someone who has been hurt and derailed but with the unexplainable belief and enough grace-filled moments to know it will be okay....even good....no, even GREAT again.  I am making my way, writing my tales, sharing my experiences and learning more with every day. I am Adlibbing Life  and this is where you will find my stories.