song — Blog — adlibbing life

So...what’s “your” song? Not your song with someone else—like a couple’s song—but your very own song. Your soundtrack? The one that is just...totally you?

I picked “my” song a looooong time ago when I was just a very young, naive little pup: 23 to be exact. I loved it then mainly for the chorus. It’s “Happy Girl” by Martina McBride—heck yeah to the 90’s country! I actually hadn’t thought about it in so long. In fact I would say I have added a lot more "my songs" to the list over the years. But this one came back into my life recently and it's for sure the OG.

A few months ago at church a group of us were talking about music and stuff and stuff and music and I asked what everyone’s personal song/soundtrack was. Two in the group weren’t sure, one said “This Girl Is On Fire,” by Alicia Keys (excellent choice) and I said “Happy Girl,” by Ms. McBride. I was smiling so big when I said it because it reminded me of a time when I was just so “new” and just so...well...happy. (I can honestly say I’m happy today, but 23 happy is different than 44 happy, you know?) I had my first job reporting and anchoring the news, I had a cute little apartment, a cute little dog, a cute little car, a zillion cute little suits a la Ally McBeal (although in brighter colors) and life was good. I was indeed a happy girl.

“Oh, watch me go

I’m a happy girl

Everybody knows

That the sweetest thing you’ll ever see

In the whole wide world

Is a happy girl”

I loved it so much.

It was so me.

After the convo at church I practically skipped away humming that part of the song and remembering why it was my favorite. As I joyfully navigated the crowd to get my kids, I decided I was bringing it back. TODAY! I hopped in the car with the girls and headed to Sunday lunch. We talked about music and stuff and stuff and music and I couldn’t wait to tell them about “my” song. I pulled it up on Spotify. Soon, we would be a car full of “Happy Girls.”

And then the words started and I REALLY listened to them and they took on a WHOLE new meaning. It was crazy. It was eerie. It was unbelievable. It was...whoah. For so long I had only really applied the chorus to my life. The good. The peppy. The perfect. Now ALL of the words hit home and I started crying. (Surprise!) Not super big tears, but enough that my girls were like “what???” And I fell in love with that song more than ever. How could it be SO perfect...even MORE perfect.. for me now? Martina, we are soul sisters. You have been in my head. You wrote my life in a song before I had even lived all of it! Behold:

“I used to live in a darkened room

Had a face of stone

And a heart of gloom.

Lost my hope, I was so far gone

Cryin’ all my tears

With the curtains drawn

I didn’t know until my soul broke free

I’ve got these angels watching over me”

This was exactly how I felt when I moved to Austin. Big things had happened. I didn’t have the confidence to get involved with the girls’ school; I barely had the confidence to go out and get the mail. I wasn’t working yet and I literally would hide in my dark room with the curtains drawn for hours at a time while my littles were at school. But my dark little cave of a room in Austin is where I hit my knees and found the faith. Or rather it found me. This is where God grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and refused to let me fall. Piece by piece, day by day, He broke my soul free and goodness gracious, you would not believe the angels he placed ALL AROUND ME. He still brings them to me every day...at work, at school, at H-E-B, at church...everywhere.

Okay Martina, keep singing.

“I used to hide in a party crowd

Bottled up inside

Feeling so left out

Standing in a corner wearing concrete shoes

With my frozen smile

And my lighted fuse

Now every time I start to feel like that

I roll my heart out like a welcome mat”

Uh. Muh. Guh. Martina were you driving my brain??!? I was ALWAYS getting ready for the next event: finding the right dress, the right shoes, the right makeup. That’s all fun—it’s still fun—but I made it SO important. TOO important. And I still never felt right. All my hard work to “look” right would surely make me fit in. But no. I didn’t feel like I did. And I was sad. And I was angry because I felt like I was giving all this effort with no return. But the effort was misguided and so poorly directed. So again when God did the “neck scruff grabbing” I mentioned before, yanking me out of my own dumb way (this took years mind you—and He’s still doing it) my hurting heart started to mend and I opened it to others. It’s THE thing that connects us: to admit you are sad or scared or barely making it or you don’t know what you’re doing. Even if you only admit it to yourself at first, you will find everyone else feels those things too and it will set you free. Quit acting like an emotional big shot. Keep rolling that heart out like a welcome mat! THAT is how you will live your best life; not because you are wearing designer everything with nary a hair out of place. Honestly, my hair is never in place! And my favorite pajamas that I'm wearing as I write this post are not designer; they are from a casino gift shop in Oklahoma! (Giant orange tee shirt. Picture of a fox on it. Said fox has long eyelashes and a beauty mark. It also says "Foxy" in script across the top. See why I had to have it? Yasss!) This is who I am! What's going on outside will never feel good enough if there is no joy inside, even if you're wearing some dope pj's like mine.

Go on, Martina, go on.

“Laugh when I feel like it

Cry when I feel like it

That’s just how my life is

That’s how it goes

Oh watch me go

I’m a happy girl

And I’ve come to know

That the world won’t change

Just ‘cause I complain

Let the axis twirl

I’m a happy girl”

I’ve told y’all before that I got into this rut of not letting myself cry. Not letting myself think about the tough stuff. I just didn’t want to face it. But when I did let myself feel those things, I found out they didn’t last forever. Then when the funny and joyous stuff decided to join the party, I could (and can) welcome it whole heartedly without the sad stuff looming. Just feel it as it comes and there will be room in your heart for all of it. There has to be. If you try to block it out it’s going to find another way to break in and raise hell. So just feel the feels because the world certainly keeps spinning. Even if I don’t like what’s happening today, tomorrow the sun is coming up, the traffic is piling up, and life is moving on. I choose to move with it. I might not always be sure of every next step, but I am sure my Spotify is working and Martina is on the playlist. And I’m sure if I ever meet her in person she will be completely open to the idea of us doing a spontaneous duet and being best friends. Right?

What is “your” song? I would love to know! (Tell me about you favorite pj's while you're at it...)